So.. for basically as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a teacher.. Specifically, an elementary teacher. I cannot pinpoint the moment in my life when I made this decision, but I'm pretty sure I was still in elementary school myself. Nearly ten years after stating my hopes and dreams for the future, I have finally put some thought into it. My thoughts, you ask? I don't know. I don't know if I want to be a teacher. Quite honestly, I don't really know what I want to do with my life at all.
The big issue here is the fact that I am extremely indecisive.. I may be the most indecisive person I know. I'm not really sure though, I couldn't decide.. Some days I change my t-shirt three or four times before deciding which one to wear. Yes...t-shirt. I work at Outback Steakhouse and often order food after my shift. I'm a server, so I have basically the entire menu memorized. It generally takes me about ten minutes of staring at the menu before I decide what to order..and it always ends up the same: grilled chicken and green beans. Every time.. I guess you could say I'm a creature of habit, or maybe just scared of branching out. For this reason also, I tend to act on impulse.. If I don't put too much thought into something, I can avoid the endless argument between my brain and...well..my brain.
Impulse is fine when it comes to a t-shirt or dinner, but this is my future we're talking about here.. The rest of my life weighs on the decisions I make right now. Are you overwhelmed reading this? Because I am.
Honestly..I just want to be a children's librarian. An ideal career for me would be introducing literature to young students. Many people develop either their passion for books or their avoidance of books in the elementary years. I want to help kids to be passionate about books, just as I am. I would be perfectly content with reading "Where the Wild Things Are" and "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" and all of Eric Carle's classics aloud to children for the rest of my life..
So what am I supposed to do? Well..your guess is as good as mine.. Thankfully, I have a much better source of comfort and direction than myself, or even you.
In Jeremiah 29, a letter is shared in which Jeremiah is delivering a message from the Lord to those who had been carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon. In verse 11, the Lord says "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.."
God promises a future to the exiles. He promises a future to me.. Sometimes..a lot of times actually..this is hard for me to believe.. Its hard for me to rest in the promises God has given me. I want control. I want answers. I rush around and around, trying to gain all the knowledge and improve my self and my circumstances instead of sitting and gazing at the one, true and holy God, asking him to give me vision for my life and my future..
Above all, I just want to glorify God with my life. Right now...I have no idea what that will look like and essentially have no plan for the future.. Call it indecisiveness, slacking, careless..whatever you want. Those things may be true.. I am fully aware of the fact that this attitude looks naive and stupid to the world, but I am also fully aware of my sovereign Lord who has a flawless plan for me and for my future.. While this does require me to work at seeking God and discerning his will...I think the biggest task for me right now is to give up control. To break free from my life-plan I've had since elementary school and just...follow God. We'll see what happens, right? :)
"You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:24-26